Last Saturday, I worship-led for the very first time (and it was with kuya Mikz for Jzone Makati.) I could not help but feel so humbled by God's presence because I felt so unworthy of being called as a minister through singing. Lately I've been a wreck;I've been so emotionally unstable and disappointed with myself and people. Even so, I have been constantly searching for God.
Though there weren't a lot of people, I still felt so nervous. Not because people were watching but because I felt that my voice wasn't good enough for a big God. I was afraid that I would disappoint God because my voice wasn't like those worship leaders who regularly go on stage or those youtube singers with millions of hits. I always felt my voice was average. I always felt that I was just a girl "with A voice" and not "THE voice"
Yet, I learned to become grateful. I kept reminding myself that even if I were to become tone-deaf, and He called me to worship lead, He would accept me. The truth is, God doesn't look at how great you are. I mean, He's God. What is great to the world is nothing compared to what is great in His context. But rather, God looks at the heart. The heart who is dead to self and is humbly presented before the Lord in God's presence.
Why was God using someone like me? Someone with a broken-heart?
I realized, the reason He broke me me in the first place was that so He could call my attention to say that I have been leaning on other things in life. I admit that there had been something that took God's place in my heart and so He took it away. The result?--Utter sadness. I was in agony.
The events that came along with what God had taken was so painful I felt like I had been walking my own little via dolorosa. But God is far more concerned with molding me to be like Christ ( who learned obedience through his suffering ) than with my comfort. ( Hebrews 5:8 ) So I took up my cross and followed Him without turning back.
And with all this. I was overwhelmed with His grace. Praise God.
As soon as I got home, I texted one of my friends, Louise, about how the whole worship leading experience went. She replied "Yeee. Songlead na yan sa main soooon." and I replied, "In God's perfect timing."
The next day ( which was yesterday ), was my first time to prompt in CCF Eastwood. I had joined the prompting ministry for the Sunday worship. It was such a tiring week so I wasn't really up for it. So as soon as I got up, I did my Quiet Time and asked for God to fill me with the Holy Spirit. I didn't exert so much effort in practicing or listening to the songs. I had just gone through one round of the setlist the night before. I knew that practice was at 1 pm so I asked our driver to come and pick me up by 12. Later then, after 12 pm had passed, I noticed my driver still hadn't arrived. So I texted him. He told me that he was already waiting outside the house. I had already gone out to check twice and he still wasn't there. Then he realized he had gone to the wrong house! I said "But I saw you this morning! I was even accidentally interrupting your conversation with my grandmother!" he said he couldn't hear. Then I said "But my grandmother yelled 'Jazz! Your driver's here.'when you arrived!" and he said "I thought she called you on the phone."
I was gonna lose my temper. So I went back inside, slumped in the dining table chair and slammed my hand on the table as my grandmother kept going on about how it was all my fault now. I grabbed the closest thing I could find, a brush, threw it hard on the ground and said "Now, I really don't want to go."
I knew that if I was going to be late, I was going to be charged with a 50 php fine. ( It's their way of disciplining the prompters ;-) ) So I was frustrated.
By God's grace, I arrived in second and the practice was at 1:30! I felt so embarrassed before God because of how I had acted in the morning and I even said I didn't want to go anymore.
Since it was my first time prompting, I didn't know who my teammates were. We rehearsed 3 songs by the Piano. When it came to the song "Because Of Who You Are" our Keyboardist and music conductor, kuya Wendell, asked if I was familiar with the song. I said "Yes" so he asked me to do the intro. Inside I was like "Cool! I have a solo part!" Then there were other parts where he told me "Titirahin mo yan." I felt so glad I had a lot of parts in the song. Especially the adlib portion in the end where I could showcase some powerhouse vocals from God. I wondered how he knew I was going to be able to do it if the song I auditioned to was slow and calm. Then I realized, This must be really God working.
I was given a wireless mic, like that of the Worship Leader's ( Pastor Sonny ) yet positioned myself with the prompters. My team leader went "Hey! You're supposed to be there." I laughed then answered "Joke ba yun?" she smiled and said "No, you're a worship leader." I was shocked. I could not believe my eyes when Pastor Sonny positioned me right at the center. I could not help but ask God Why. Despite everything that had happened in the morning, why did he still choose me? Not only that but I was also a first time prompter! I was a prompter who on her first time prompting became a worship leader. How could this be?
Friends, this is AMAZING GRACE. Funny how Louise texted me about worship leading the night before, huh?
Many times, I was nervous. I was guilty and more than anything, felt completely unworthy. Many times they had to remind me to relax and stay calm. I couldn't. I was surprised! Later then, my team leader prayed for me. I decided to just trust God and let my feelings of unworthiness pour out by humbly presenting myself before God. I'll just worship Jesus.
And by God's grace, I did a pretty good job.
I texted Louise again after and one of the things she replied to me was "God doesn't call the qualified but qualifies the called." I didn't deserve to be on stage, even as a prompter that moment I stepped in Eastwood. Yet God chose me. Another of her replies said "God breaks to remake. Amazing to see how God changes lives via painful moments."
Amen to that. Need I say more?
Here's the a video of one of the songs in our setlist called "Because Of Who You Are"
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." - Psalm 40:1-3
In conclusion, I can say that this song had to be the one that spoke to me the most. It reminded me that I am able to stand there, and lead people into worshiping God not because of what I've done ( and believe me there's nothing I could have done to deserve it ) but because of who He is.
God did put me into probably the worst pain I have ever felt in my life but He never left. Not even once. He picked me up in my distress, turned me around but not to knock me down again. He wanted to build me up. Praise God for His love, His grace, His tenderness and mercy. Praise God because He is our God.
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